Analytical

Bill's Brain
"Damn the consequences, give me the pen!"
Lewis Morris, signing the Declaration of Independence

Creative

When choosing your pope name our advice would be to look to the examples of recent popes and let that be your guide. The previous pope, being somewhat of a radical, based his name on his favorite musical group, the Beatles. He originally selected the name “Pope John Paul George and Ringo” but when he realized that was too long to fit on his business card he shortened it to honor just the core songwriting team, John and Paul. The new pope, previously cardinal Ratzinger and now Pope Benedict XVI, is more conservative so he took a more traditional approach, naming himself after his favorite breakfast food, eggs benedict. You’ll note that eggs benedict is very popular with the cardinals, as a total of sixteen popes have now chosen that name. The Beatles are apparently not so popular with the cardinals.

Personally, I like Ratzinger’s traditional approach, so if I were to become pope I’d also name myself after my favorite breakfast food. I would be “Pope Huevos Rancheros II.” Most people don’t realize that there was a Pope Huevos Rancheros I, and that’s probably because his papacy was so short-lived. He served as pope for just six months before he was tragically eaten by the monks of the little-known Donner Order when he paid them a visit just as they were ending a week-long fast.

According to our sources inside the conclave Cardinal Ratzinger briefly considered following the lead of pop musician Prince and changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol. He decided against it, however, when the other cardinals reminded him that if he did he would probably be forever known as “The Pope Formerly Known as Cardinal Ratzinger.” Not an attractive moniker, I think you’ll agree.

There has been some speculation as to whether or not there is any significance to the fact that the cardinals elected a German pope. Our sources say that in fact, there is. There is apparently a small but growing number of cardinals who tend to be somewhat the party animals when they’re not busy cardinaling. (You can catch glimpses of several of them in the “Cardinals Gone Wild” video series, volumes I, II and III.) It’s reported that this group is lobbying to make Oktoberfest an official Catholic holiday, and they felt that a German pope would be sympathetic to their cause.

One of our curious readers also wrote asking us to explain where the word “conclave” comes from. The secret meeting which the cardinals hold to elect a new pope is called a conclave, but you have to do a bit of research to find out why. It turns out that the word comes from the phrase “con clave” (pronounced “kon clah’-vay”) or “with clave,” a clave being a cylindrical hardwood stick which is used in pairs as a percussion instrument. Claves are very common in Latin music, and the gathering came to be known as the conclave because of the saucy Latin music that the cardinals like to listen to while they go about the tedious business of selecting a new pope.